Midlife men in crisis or not?
There are hundreds of women's midlife groups, but much fewer for men. Have men been forgotten, are they not interested or do they not need help?
For the last few months, I have been connecting with midlife experts to help prepare people for a better later life. I created a non-gendered business because I felt that everyone needed to work on protecting their future health and happiness. This appeared contrary to the rest of the market, which was female-focused. There were hundreds of midlife women-based communities, workshops, podcasts, and events, but there were comparatively few for men. Even though the statistics show, midlife men are suffering in their physical and mental health more. Men have a shorter life span than women, and the gap has been increasing. Midlife men are the most likely demographic to die by suicide, and rates of loneliness amongst men peak around midlife. So, if they need help, why does there appear to be less support available? I conducted a small-scale survey with 37 men to see if that could enlighten me, and the top-line results are below:
The midlife landscape has been focused on women, and this was not just my finding it was also echoed by Bernie Borges, an established midlife podcaster based in the US with close to 200 midlife episodes under his belt, who discovered a similar trend.
Before I launched my Midlife Fulfilled podcast I researched the midlife podcast landscape. I researched more than 200 podcasts about midlife. I found only two podcasts hosted by men. The vast majority of the podcasts I found are hosted by women, specifically intended for midlife women. I get it, topics like menopause, dating after divorce, empty nesting, caring for aging parents and kids, and career burnout come to mind. However, other than menopause, these topics apply as much to midlife men. Men in midlife, also face challenges including shifts in identity and purpose, weight-gain, muscle loss, relational challenges, career transitions, and even mental health challenges. Bernie Borges , The Midlife Fulfilled Podcast
It is not just that there are fewer male-specific experts and communities and fewer that are agnostic of gender. I struggled to find realistic images of midlife men, so I excluded them from this article. I started trying to find out why this group is not talked about as much and whether that is a supply or a demand problem. I spoke to midlife male coaches, sent out a survey to midlife men, and researched what others had written.
The emergence of many women's support groups has centred around menopause, giving women a unifying experience. The fact that it is widely misunderstood or, until recently, rarely discussed has meant that the introduction of groups, experts and content to help and advise has been embraced. There are discussions around men's biological changes (referred to as male menopause or andropause), which the NHS calls ‘unhelpful terms’, as the changes are not as drastic as menopause. Men do start to lose testosterone from their 30s, but this is a gradual loss for the majority (only 6% of adult men under 80 have critically low testosterone). Therefore, men do not have a physical universally agreed ‘experience’ or ‘problem’ they share.
Midlife crisis had been the term by which men were labelled at this time of life, it poked fun at men who chose to marry young women buy fast cars and that cliche may have done more harm than good, and contributes to a silencing of men from expressing midlife issues. If the midlife crisis is not helpful and is an outdated cliche, are there some cliches’ backed up by the statistics? Research recently found men don’t go to the doctors as soon as they should. This resulted in preventable illnesses not being caught early enough and contributed to the life span differences between men and women. There are various theories of why this is, such as being fearful of an outcome. I had a friend who said they would rather not know and went on to have a 3-year battle with their back, barely able to walk for months on end. Another theory is ‘superhero syndrome’, which Dr Rowe explained is men wanting to see themselves as forever strong and capable of handling anything. It could also be a symptom of fewer conversations between men where their ailments could be normalised, and experiences of good outcomes are shared, something women have started to address through menopause groups.
The other statistic that has been looming large in the headlines is that men in mid to later life have the highest rate of loneliness. In my survey, over 40% see friends once a month or less; however, this is not as alarming as a 2021 study that showed men with no close friends had jumped from 3-15%. Many studies have shown that loneliness can have a greater impact than smoking on our life span. The reasons why men are lonely are not clear. Some explanations that have been touted are that their partners make most of the social plans, leaving them to spend time with people they may not have chosen to hang around with, I found 60% have their partner or friends primarily make the social arrangements. Is it that men in midlife are more conscious of their health and socialising, whereas younger people are centred around hedonistic pursuits? Then, as we try to be healthier, we avoid social occasions that aren’t. One of the survey respondents recognised this connection and said he felt “fitness activities should become part of your social life”. The working-from-home phenomenon since the pandemic has also impacted many people’s social lives, as for many men, work was their largest social outlet. One survey respondent commented, “It's hard. It would be good to meet new people outside of existing social sets.”
So, what unifies us in midlife? As cited in numerous books (e.g. ‘100 Year Life’ and ‘The New Long Life’), our careers are less linear and, for many, will be longer due to increasing state pension age and extended life span. Women who have children often explore this earlier, especially in the UK, where child care is expensive, and paternity leave is just 2 weeks. However, for most men, changing careers or having the opportunity for a more fulfilling career is reserved for a time when their families are financially stable. This feels like an antiquated view and is changing, but in the US, for opposite-sex couples, over 56% of men are the main breadwinner. A third of the midlife men I surveyed want to change careers. That comes with other issues: changing from a high-powered role to a less status-driven one even though it would contain more enjoyment. Men’s attachment to status was cited as a reason by one male coach I spoke to as to why many men struggle to choose a more fulfilling career. However, the challenges described by respondents below are very similar to those experienced by all midlifers, with industries changing or shrinking, reaching the peak of your career with little possibility of movement or wanting to do something with more meaning or purpose. Surely, this is an area we all want to try and tackle.
In my survey, over a third of people are looking to change their role, and half are either not fulfilled or lack fulfilment in their role ( with the average score between 6 and 7 out of 10 on the scale). The frustration midlife men feel was highlighted in findings by Brave Start, which conducted focus groups about men trying to get back into work. Midlife men may be highly experienced but feel their skills are not wanted or are ignored in favour of cheaper, less experienced labour. I belong to female career groups where this is also echoed.
So, although some midlife men are frustrated in their careers and lack fulfilment, they struggle to commit when they do find help. One coach, specialising in midlife men, said that for every 4 men who have agreed to work with him (not just prospects), only 1 will actually work with him. This is causing some coaches and commentators to leave the field, as is demonstrated by a quote from an article below.
“I've been working on trying to support Men in Midlife. ….Many claps 👏 "It's such a great thing you are doing...!" But when you ask "How would you like to work on that?".... Silence. And therefore, my apologies if you've enjoyed these Midlife Monthly's, but for my own sanity …..this is the last one.”
Chris Wilson, Midlife Musings
Another coach I spoke to found that the cliche about men being unable to talk about their emotions was true, and they needed much more coaxing than his female clients. Also, he said that men were more reluctant to do the ‘work’; they wanted to take a pill and make all the stress and burnout disappear. The resistance to help was often only broken when a crisis had been reached, and they had no choice but to address it.
I asked an open-text survey question, and many expressed their frustration with work prospects and the current attitudes towards men. Some may strongly disagree with these sentiments as middle-aged men statistically still have the majority of power. More men are in boardrooms and politics and are high earners, but that power is not universal and therefore alienates those that, although they are in that demographic, are not in a power position. The introduction of Diversity, Inclusion and Equality policies has left a lot of men feeling a lack of belonging. I can speculate that midlife men, born into a world where they were the most highly prized, struggle with their changing position in society. This shift in power dynamics is a transition which has fall out, and some men feel that they can not talk about it, which then reinforces their sense of helplessness. For many men in midlife, this transition to a more equal society has left them feeling like their voice can not be heard or understood, and this discourages conversations, debates or asking for help when they need it, as the cultural sentiment is ‘you have it good’. If we want to reduce loneliness and suicide rates, having a forum for men to discuss their fears and worries is important. Many of the men I surveyed were open to chatting with like-minded people, which may create a safe space to have vulnerable conversations and encourage them to take action.
There are differences in the midlife experience for men and women, but not to the extent that is reflected in the current online midlife landscape. There is resistance from men to take action, but maybe that is because, societally, they are not brought up to ask for help with physical or mental health issues, and some feel they’ll be ridiculed for asking for it. I will continue to normalise talking about the challenges we have, whatever gender or non-binary position. I will always give people resources and tools to help themselves with understanding and inclusiveness; when they are ready, they will seek expert help.
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Insightful and well written- thank you!
Very insightful article! food for thought